Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
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there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.