My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
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A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
never compromise your values
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”