I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
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BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know