Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
You Might Also Like
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.