Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
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Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
back to work
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No