the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
You Might Also Like
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Peace was never an option
The Struggle
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”