[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
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Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
This will never not be funny to me.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS