“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
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Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.