I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
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BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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