Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
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Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.