when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
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Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.