“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
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Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Möther may I have a snäck
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
bias laundering edition
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
no one likes gloating
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah