Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
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People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Cartman: Respect my
a a
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.