*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
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Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700