king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
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Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
meanwhile over on facebook
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice