Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
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I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.