Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
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Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Not today. 😅
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.