I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
You Might Also Like
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
*lint rolls you awake*
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?