Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
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The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Weirdly Wednesday.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
How it started How it’s going
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake