“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
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[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.