Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
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Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*