I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
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Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
This is why I hate group projects
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.