What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
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Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.