i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
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Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
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Typing…
No, why?
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.