20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
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If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking