Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
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[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies