Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
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Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
True.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.