Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
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I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home