[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
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Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Smile they said.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*