Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
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[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Something Saturday.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.