i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
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Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Cinematography is my passion
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town