Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
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Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Get in loser we’re going crying
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.