You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
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Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.