I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
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Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
we all know this pain all too well
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Hmmmmm