Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
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One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Was it something I said?
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?