Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
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My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE