This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
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Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
hmmm
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
I support this random dude and all his protests