Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
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I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters