Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
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Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Thanks to a fan for this one!
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.