Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
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Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you