I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
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If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I鈥檓 in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
I鈥檓 currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that鈥檚 good, right?
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
[commenting under wife鈥檚 facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son鈥檚 bday party] do we have any mustard?
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it鈥檚 a drug deal. 馃槶
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It鈥檚 that simple.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she鈥檇 forgotten.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he鈥檚 gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys