“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
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Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Love it! 👍😂
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?