Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
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Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off