[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
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“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards