an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
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my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
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Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Overindulged this afternoon.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..