My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
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spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Support your local cemetery
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.