Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
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“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
termite twitter scares me
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.