[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
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When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol