Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
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I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.