Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
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[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
This a good idea
My new favorite headline
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.